On my way back from an alumni event last week, I got into an accident with a motorcycle. In that moment, I did not check to see if I was fine and the next thought that popped into my head was “OMG, my car”. I was able to drive the car back home safely, thankfully.
If the crash was with a car rather than a motorcycle, I might not be alive.
A part of me expected my father to yell at me for being an irresponsible and destructive person; and for my mum to rub all my poor choices in my face and how they have led to the wreck of my car. I mean, I am grateful that I got out alive and my family didn’t have to painfully clean any mess that I would’ve left behind.
The last thing I expected was for my parents to be so affected by the situation. I felt their empathy and I cannot lie, a part of me was surprised that they were affected that much. I honestly almost thought they were overreacting for a second but I don’t think that I deeply grasped the impact of the crash. If the crash was with a car rather than a motorcycle, I might not be alive.
However, in that moment, All I cared about was how I had disappointed my parents, I did not see any value in my life throughout the situation and that worries me a lot. Why is this my perspective? Am I abnormal?
Don’t get me wrong, I know that God loves me and he will never abandon me. I know my life means a lot to God. I know that the gift of life is the greatest gift of all…but why do I struggle to see the value of my own life? In church, you hear people give testimonies of how they escaped near death experiences but why do I seem unfazed by mine?
I don’t think I have lived a terrible life. I mean, I have made my fair share of horrible decisions and done my fair share of terrible things. I am still young, there is still a lot of room for improvement and growth but I don’t think that means that I deserve to die.
I suffer from severe anxiety and this sometimes makes me feel like my life is a curse rather than a blessing. I tried to take my own life while I was really depressed at some point last year but failed very terribly.
Once you choose hope, anything is possible
One thought that helped me get back on my feet though, was a line from Burna Boy’s song, Ye. “I no fit die for nothing”. Since that moment, I constantly tell myself “if I am going to go out, it will not be in a cowardly way, I am stronger than this.”
I have big hopes, aspirations and dreams and I think about them everyday. I do my best to make the most of my life emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Though I feel like I could still do a lot more with my life, why do I not see death as a threat to my dreams and aspirations?
God keeps adding more sand into my hourglass and the pressure is building to do something meaningful with it.
This is the second life threatening experience within the space of a year and it is starting to make me reflect on how much I value my life. Though I am very grateful for the life I have been given, I don’t think my gratitude is enough.
I really hope that I can take my growth serious to live a meaningful life that helps me to fully discover the value of this priceless gift.